1. 15:30 30th Oct 2012

    Notes: 543

    Reblogged from fuckyeahsexeducation

    Pervocracy: Green Flags [TW: mentions of abuse]



    But the mere absence of red flags doesn’t really say anything good about a person, does it?  “I went on a date with the most wonderful guy!  I don’t think he’ll emotionally or physically abuse me!  What a catch!”

    So let’s talk about green flags.  (Um.  White flags?  …Cyan flags?)  Signs that someone is mature enough for a relationship, that they have a healthy attitude toward relationships, and that they have the potential to be a caring and responsible partner.  This isn’t about compatibility—maybe they’re a lovely person but you like Kirk and they like Picard—but signs that they’ll be a good partner to someone.

     Here are a few.  I bet there’ll be better ones in the comments.

    • They communicate, early and often, about what they’re thinking and feeling, and they give you chances to do the same.
    • They introduce you to their friends and want to meet your friends.
    • They have a rich life outside of you. It can be many different things—job, hobby, friends, family—but they have something that makes them engaged and energized and has nothing to do with you.
    • They’re excited by the things that make you different, not just the things that make you conventionally attractive.
    • They ask you for your opinion and advice as often as they offer theirs. 
    • They’re willing to do un-fun, un-sexy stuff with you; when you need someone to hold your hand in the ER or take you to the airport at rush hour, they’re there for you.
    • When talking about previous relationships that didn’t work out, they admit fault and regret.
    • They always ask you before making a decision that affects you, whether it’s trivial like “where to sit in the theater” or major like “whether to have sex tonight.”
    • They respect your decisions and emotions even when you can’t “logically” explain them.
    • You feel safe disagreeing with them, calling them out when they screw up, or telling them you don’t want to do something with them.
    • They set boundaries with you sometimes, and they do it in a matter-of-fact, respectful way.

    Your mileage may vary, some bad people will have a few green flags, some good people will be missing a few, all opinions given areonly opinions, et cetera.  But when you’re considering making a new person a major part of your life, I think it’s important to think not just about “are there no bad signs?” but about “are there any good signs?”

    Cliff Pervocracy

    Super important topic, and one I’ve been thinking about for a while now. I love seeing a short list all neatly laid out like this. 

    this is really good! and helpful!

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      This also acts as a pretty good checklist for making sure you’re not a jerk in a relationship (no matter your gender or...
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      Reblogging as a reminder to myself. Not being obviously abusive does not equal partner material.
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